Mark Muirhead

Q: Why did you come to Poland?
A: I can’t be too specific, but it involves MI6, the CIA and crimes against the English language.

Q: When did you come to Poland?
A: January 9th 1997. It’s a day I will never forget. Ever. Even if I wanted to.

Q: So after 12 years in Poland, you still don’t speak the language? How can that be?
A: Co? Ya muwie bardso dobże po polskó.

Q: You must like living in Poland if you’ve been here so long.
A: … Yeah…

Q: Have you visited many parts of Poland?
A: I’ve been to your beautiful capital, Warsaw. Stunning architecture in the centre. Dworzec Centralny is a masterpiece, and Pałac Kultury is a shining example for the rest of the world to follow. I’ve also been to Krakow (note: in British English we spell it with Ks, not Cs – and we say kra-kov, not kra-kau), Szczawnica, Zakopane (Zakopone!), Wrocław, Zielazowa Wola, Nieborów, Gdańsk and Zgierz!

Q: Have you been to a Polish wedding?
A: The question should be, „Have you RUINED a Polish wedding?” And the answer is yes.

Q: Who is that boy in the picture? Is he your son?
A: No. He’s my cousin’s little boy*.

Q: Is it true that you like Madonna?
A: The restraining order Madonna has against me legally forbids me from talking about her. I’m also not supposed to go within 200 metres of her or her residence (a good disguise can get around that, though!)

Q: Do you like anyone else apart from her?
A: … Yeah…

Q: What else do you do in your free time?
A: You naive fool. You think I have free time? I like watching films (Bond movies, the Bourne movies), TV (CSI, NCIS, Midsomer Murders, Waking the Dead, Murder She Wrote, Poirot,… basically anything with murder – so watch out!)

Q: Why don’t you have a Scottish accent?
A: Would you pay to have lessons with someone you don’t understand?

Q: Ah, finally you mention money. Is it true what they say about Scots …
A: Stop! I will not have you say a bad word about the Scottish people or Scotland. Scots are a friendly, generous nation. Scotland is a beautiful country. We just happen to have horrible neighbours!

Q: So is it true that the Scots don’t like the English?
A: No. We love the English. In the same way Poles loves Russians.

Q: What’s the difference between Scots, Scottish and Scotch.
A: Look up a dictionary! Do I have to do EVERYTHING for you? [someone from a higher authority intervenes] Apparently I DO have to do everything for you. [sigh]. Ok, Scots is either the plural of Scot (i.e. someone who comes from Scotland) or it refers to Scottish English. Scottish is the adjective, talking about the people, the language, or things from Scotland. Scotch isn’t used very much any more, except to talk about some foods or drinks.

Q: Is it true what they say about Scotsmen and what they wear under their kilt?
A: I’ve never looked. Why are you asking such questions?

*He’s actually an operative for the FBI undercover in a Polish primary school.